Negging - Red Flag!

Negging is a form of emotional manipulation often used to exert control or undermine a partner’s self-esteem. Negging is subtle, yet damaging. While it is sometimes disguised as playful teasing, it carries an underlying intent to demean, destabilize, or influence how the other person feels about themselves. Negging is a red flag in relationships and can be an early warning sign of emotional abuse.

What is Negging?

Negging is a behavior characterized by backhanded compliments, undermining remarks, or subtle criticisms aimed at making the recipient feel insecure. The term originated from the dating scene but can be found in personal and professional relationships as well. It can be as simple as commenting, “You’re pretty smart for someone who didn’t go to college,” or more covert, like consistently doubting, criticizing, or dismissing a partner’s feelings, behaviors, or achievements. Negging is not about humor or constructive criticism, however, oftentimes the person making the statements will brush off their comments as jokes or as attempts to be helpful. Its intent is to feel superior to the other person or gain power and control by chipping away at another person’s confidence.

Why is Negging a Warning Sign of Abuse?

Negging often marks the beginning of a pattern of emotional abuse. By eroding a partner’s self-esteem, the manipulator creates a dynamic where the victim becomes increasingly dependent on their approval. Over time, this behavior can escalate into more overt forms of control, isolation, or verbal and psychological abuse.

Research supports the damaging effects of emotional abuse:

• A study published in The Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that psychological aggression, including tactics like negging, significantly correlates with decreased mental health and increased feelings of helplessness in victims (Follingstad et al., 1990).

  
  

• Emotional abuse often precedes physical abuse. A report by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) highlights that emotional manipulation is frequently used to establish dominance before progressing to more overtly abusive actions.

  
  

Examples of Negging in Relationships

Recognizing negging can be challenging because it often masquerades as humor or constructive criticism. Here are common examples:

1. Backhanded Compliments:

   • “You’re beautiful for someone your age.”

   • “You’re surprisingly good at this for a beginner.”

     
     

2. Diminishing Achievements:

   • “That’s great that you got promoted, but it’s probably because they were short on candidates.”

   • “Your degree is impressive, even if it’s not from an Ivy League school.”

     
     

3. Undermining Self-Worth:

   • “No wonder your ex left you; you’re so sensitive.”

   • “If you keep eating like that, you’ll have to buy new clothes again.”

     
     

4. Using Humor as a Cover:

   • “Oh, I’m just joking! Don’t be so sensitive.”

   • “You’re too cute to understand complicated stuff like this.”

     
     

The Psychological Impact of Negging

Negging can have severe consequences on mental health, including:

• Reduced Self-Esteem: Starting to question their worth or abilities.

• Increased Dependence: Feeling unworthy leading to seeking validation from their abuser, creating a toxic cycle.

• Anxiety and Depression: Chronic exposure to negging can exacerbate feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and anxiety.

  
  

How to Respond to Negging

If you suspect you are experiencing negging, here are some steps to take:

1. Acknowledge the Behavior: Recognize that these comments are not normal or acceptable. You deserve to have someone who gives you genuine compliments and supports you in your life.

   
   

2. Set Boundaries: Assertively communicate that such remarks are hurtful and will not be tolerated. A kind partner who loves you will not want to hurt you and will take accountability for their mistakes while also making a commitment to treat you well.

   
   

3. Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a counselor who can provide perspective and support.

   
   

4. Evaluate the Relationship: Consider whether the relationship is healthy and worth continuing. Chronic negging is often a sign of deeper issues.

   
   

Final Thoughts

Negging is a manipulative tactic that can erode the foundation of a healthy relationship. Recognizing it as a form of emotional abuse is the first step in addressing it. By educating ourselves and others about these warning signs, we can seek and nourish healthier, more respectful relationships.

References

• Follingstad, D. R., Rutledge, L. L., Berg, B. J., Hause, E. S., & Polek, D. S. (1990). The role of emotional abuse in physically abusive relationships. Journal of Family Violence, 5(2), 107-120.

  
  

• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). (2020). "Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse." Retrieved from https://ncadv.org.