Couples therapy offers a space for partners to work through conflicts, deepen their connection, and heal relational wounds. However, when trauma or domestic violence exists within the relationship, the dynamics in the therapy room can become complex and fraught with challenges. One such dynamic is triangulation—a psychological process where a third party, such as a therapist, is drawn into the conflict in ways that can perpetuate dysfunction rather than foster healing.
What Is Triangulation?
Triangulation occurs when one partner seeks to align the therapist with their perspective against the other partner, intentionally or unconsciously. While this dynamic can arise in any relationship, it is particularly insidious in cases involving domestic violence or abuse.
Abusers may use triangulation to:
Control the Narrative: Present themselves as the victim while discrediting their partner.
Manipulate the Therapist: Exploit the therapist’s neutrality to avoid accountability.
Perpetuate Power Imbalances: Use the therapeutic setting to reinforce dominance over their partner.
For survivors, this dynamic can exacerbate feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and helplessness, making the therapy process re-traumatizing rather than healing.
The Spectrum of Abuse and Its Impact on Therapy
Abuse is not a one-size-fits-all phenomenon. It exists on a spectrum, ranging from overt physical violence to covert psychological manipulation. For therapists working with couples where abuse is present, understanding the nuances of this spectrum is critical.
1. Overt Abuse:
Includes physical violence, sexual coercion, and verbal aggression.
The abuser’s actions are more visible, but the psychological impact on the survivor is profound.
2. Covert Abuse:
Includes gaslighting, emotional manipulation, financial control, and isolation.
Often harder to identify, but it can be equally, if not more, damaging over time.
3. Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuse:
Characterized by calculated manipulation, lack of empathy, and intentional harm.
Survivors often describe feeling trapped in cycles of idealization, devaluation, and discard.
The insidious nature of this abuse requires therapists to have specialized knowledge to recognize and address it effectively.
Challenges for Therapists in Couples Therapy
When trauma and abuse are present, couples therapy can inadvertently become a platform for further harm if not handled with care and expertise.
Key challenges include:
Maintaining Neutrality: While neutrality is a cornerstone of effective therapy, it can become dangerous in abusive dynamics. Failing to identify and address power imbalances risks validating the abuser’s behavior and invalidating the feelings of the partner who is experiencing the abuse, as well as minimizing the psychological and emotional impact of the abuse tactics.
Recognizing Covert Manipulation: Abusers skilled in psychological manipulation may appear charming, cooperative, or even remorseful, making it difficult to discern the truth.
Protecting the Survivor: Without a trauma-informed approach, survivors may feel silenced, invalidated, or pressured to compromise their safety.
The Importance of Abuse Education for Therapists
To navigate these complexities, therapists must be well-informed about the wide spectrum of abuse and its impact on individuals and relationships. This includes:
Understanding Trauma Responses: Recognizing how survivors may present in therapy (e.g., hypervigilance, dissociation, or self-blame).
Identifying Covert Abuse: Training to detect subtle forms of manipulation and control that may not be immediately apparent.
Challenging Myths About Abuse: Dispelling misconceptions, such as the idea that all relationship conflicts are equally contributed to by both partners.
Recognizing Systemic Patterns: Understanding how societal norms and structures can perpetuate abuse and inequality.
Ethical Considerations in Couples Therapy
When abuse is identified or suspected, therapists must prioritize the safety and well-being of the survivor. Ethical guidelines suggest:
Screening for Abuse: Incorporating individual assessments before beginning couples therapy to identify potential risks. Tools such as the Danger Assessment, Intimate Partner Violence Attitude Scale (IPVAS), or Conflict Tactics Scale can be instrumental in evaluating the presence and severity of abuse. These inventories not only aid in identifying risk factors but also help inform therapeutic decisions to ensure the safety and well-being of all involved.
Avoiding Joint Sessions: In cases of active abuse, individual therapy is often more appropriate than couples therapy.
Establishing Safety Plans: Collaborating with the survivor to create strategies for physical and emotional safety.
Seeking Supervision: Consulting with experienced colleagues or supervisors when navigating complex abuse dynamics.
Unpacking Personal Biases: Therapists should critically examine their own experiences with abuse and how societal influences, such as the patriarchy, may shape their views. This self-awareness can prevent unconscious biases from impacting therapeutic interventions.
Pursuing Specialized Training: Engaging in additional education on the nuances of abuse, such as training in narcissistic and psychopathic abuse, trauma-informed care, and systemic approaches, is essential for effective and ethical practice.
Empowering Survivors and Promoting Accountability
Therapists play a critical role in empowering survivors by:
Validating Their Experiences: Offering compassion, understanding, and affirmation of their reality, as well as providing education about different types of abuse.
Fostering Autonomy: Supporting survivors in making decisions that align with their safety and well-being.
Encouraging Accountability: Challenging abusive partners to take responsibility for their actions without excusing or minimizing harm.
Conclusion
Triangulation, trauma, and abuse dynamics require a delicate and informed approach in couples therapy. Therapists must prioritize safety, deepen their understanding of abuse, and remain vigilant against manipulation. By doing so, they can create a therapeutic space that fosters healing, accountability, and, ultimately, the potential for healthier relationships—or, when necessary, the courage to leave harmful ones behind.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reaching out to a trusted professional or advocacy organization can be a life-changing first step. Healing is possible, and support is available.
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